Semen is not good for contacts.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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