o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
