You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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