She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
