I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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