My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
