finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
