Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
