i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
