I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
