I cannot find my penis.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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