I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
