I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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