You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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