from now on my penis is your penis
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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