i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?