You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
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Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.