Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
