Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
