Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
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It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
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You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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