Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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