Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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