I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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