paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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