you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
