I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
