hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
