I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
