If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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