I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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