why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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