I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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