I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
