i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
