My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
