life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
