Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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