the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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