Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
