i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
