The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
