Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
