when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
