my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
