i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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