Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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