U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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