i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
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I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
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There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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