They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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