so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
