My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I have feelings that need drinking.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
