Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
