You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
