I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
