She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
