you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
