you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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